Friday, December 31, 2004

me Posted by Hello


i resolve to quit smoking (for real).
i resolve to eat more vegetables.
i resolve to make regular doctor and dentist apointments.
i resolve to drink only on the weekends.
i resolve to not enter into any relationships with unavailable meanies.
i resolve to call my siblings once a week.
i resolve to call my parents more than just when i need something.
i resolve to make new friends.
i resolve to tell my old friends how much they mean to me, even when i'm sober.
i resolve to tell my family how great they all are, individually.
i resolve to stop eating sweets.
i resolve to do yoga.
i resolve to turn off the television.
i resolve to only eating whole grain bread, pasta and brown rice.
i resolve to drinking lots of water, every day.
i resolve to stop smoking weed, using illegal substances of any kind.
i resolve to not ever make a joke at another person's expense.
i resolve to stop talking shit.
i resolve to not make fun of another person's fasion taste.
i resolve to stop making that face, when it's so obvious, i don't aprove.
i resolve to be honest.
i resolve to be a heartbreaker.
i resolve to not confuse the distinction between actual attraction and alcohol.
i resolve to never make out with a guy dressed in a giant (home-made) penis costume.
i resolve to work hard.
i resolve to stay dedicated.
i resolve to be alone, sometimes.
i resolve to being with people, othertimes.
i resolve to show up at work on time.
i resolve to get regular oil changes.
i resolve to not spend my last twenty dollars at the bar.
i resolve to wear more skirts.
i resolve to get my cats back.

let's see how long this lasts... -heart- oleander

Thursday, December 30, 2004

interrupted tribute to my friends

last night was a good-bye party for my friend amelia, who is going to prague tomorrow morning. she will probably be in europe for at least a year. it's very overwhelming to think of such a close friend being gone for so long, of course, i'm sure she's overwhelmed at the thought of losing all of her friends for so long.
i think of this last year of my life and how things have changed. i wonder how much more will change in the year to come. i feel 2004 treated me pretty well, actually. definatley has ended wonderfully. although, i'm sad to see friends leave (another dear friend is traveling to thailand in a few days), i feel really lucky to know so many amazing people.
i moved to minneapolis when i was nineteen and i didn't have any idea i would connect with people so well or for such a long time. long enough to develop great friendships that have stood the tests of time, travel, change, stress and love.
and as i type this tribute to my friends, i was just interrupted by a call to come see more people in town for a minute. a hot, fun minute. hugs to all...

Monday, December 27, 2004

this is julie blowing out the candles on the cake i made. Posted by Hello

on christmas, my friend, chris and i went to mortimers. his dad gave him a disposable camera from menards. chris had this idea to ask random people if they would pose for a picture with us and pretend like they know us. of course, being christmas and people were drinking, most were in good spirits about it. we ended up meeting a lot of great people! it was sort of like a high, a rush, to be that brave... the next night on the way to the red dragon we ran into this group of people a second time! they were all together, all in the same clothes still. probably having one of those weekends where you just hang out with the same people for hours and hours and hours. they posed for a second picture for us.
Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

so you wanna be a superhero

"my dreams are full of what's not real,
i'll fly away and save the world,
i'll make you proud someday,
i just won't be around to see your face.

my life is full of what's not here,
i'll go away and save myself,
i'll make you proud someday,
i just won't be around to see your face."

-carissa's wierd

(lyrics from a sad song that i've been listening to lately as i tend to like sad songs... i would have wrote the rest of the lyrics, but they are just too sad.)

put on the line

today was a long day. for starters, i was hungover because i threw a really great suprise party for julie last night. she was truly suprised! i didn't think i could pull it over on her, but she showed up at my apartment ready for our usual tuesday night hang out and found a group of her friends with a cake singing happy birthday to her. a lot of people showed up to wish her happy 25th, she was very touched, i was happy to host for such a great friend. i am so fortunate to have her in my life, she is fun, honest, caring and an eternal optimist.
work was hard and long. so many of the youth i work with are getting pregnant. i can't even be happy for them anymore. a new life should be something of joy, my immediate reaction should not be, get an abortion, please, get an abortion.
after almost four years of doing this kind of work i am really reaching this point where i'm stressing over it.... maybe it's the holidays. there aren't enough beds for homeless people, it's freezing outside, i'm scared for them. it's overwhelming. i have referred so many young people to the same 16 bed shelter in the last two weeks. of course, they are always full. i'm frustrated and worried. i'm tired of looking around and seeing young person after young person with no place to go home.
the boundary that i've been good at setting until now is becoming blurred. it's this fine line between developing a great trusting, strong relationship with them and then really starting to care so much that i worry and can't sleep at night.
this woman that i worked with once told me that the most important thing to her in life is relationships, having good relationships with people and just really connecting with other humans. it makes so much sense to me, sometimes i'm amazed that it's really that simple and that complicated. i think that all relationships have that boundary too, that fine line between really trusting and caring but being really careful to know how much you should care, how much you can risk on this person, how much you can put on the line...

Monday, December 20, 2004

swimmers in antartica Posted by Hello

nobody lives in antartica

i started to wonder if anybody actually lives in antartica. i found these pictures... i've become fascinated with survivors of cold climates.

antartica Posted by Hello

Sunday, December 19, 2004

monday night lottery

i went christmas shopping with my friend, julie, on saturday. we even got up early, coffee in hand and bustled to southdale mall. we were both super tired and giggly. it was a good time acually. considering i don't like shopping or crowded places.
i still don't feel like christmas is less than a week away... maybe it's the lack of snow. the most festive i've felt, this year, is one afternoon at work, i baked cookies with my co-worker for our christmas party, then i stayed home sick the day of our christmas party... i brought some of the youth presents at the shelter. they got some good presents... hooded sweatshirts and $25 to best buy. yea... that makes up for the fact that they are homeless... (sarcasm)
sometimes i'm struck by how sad that is, usually i'm pretty tough about it and it just seems so matter-of-fact, tell them the facts, help them work through the system, then forget. one time, somebody asked me if the people i worked with were "actually homeless"... yea, it's pretty hard to believe people under the age of 18 can be homeless, you would think SOMEBODY would take care of them, right?

tonight, at my part-time job at this shelter i told this 17 year old if he didn't get himself together by the time he turned 18, he could be competing against grown men for the opportunity to sleep indoors. 70 men for 30 beds on a once a week lottery on monday nights.

"Youth. Between 500 and 600 unaccompanied youth in Minnesota (persons 17 or younger) are without permanent shelter; over the course of one year, an estimated 10,000 to 12,000 Minnesota unaccompanied youth experience at least one episode of homelessness. 81% of homeless youth are enrolled in school. Nearly half (46%) have been physically or sexually mistreated." -Wilder Research Center

Saturday, December 18, 2004

last night

last night, at the red dragon, i ran into the friend of this guy i used to date. he was standing at the jutebox, in the red dragon. he was playing johnny cash. he was unemployed from his steel worker job and just graduated from college (i think he's about 28 or so). his mom just showed up at his apartment, homeless from alaska. they hadn't talked for about three years. he didn't know what to do with her. he told me he hoped i was happy and he gave me his number so we could hang out sometime.
i also ran into a co-worker, this guy justin, another friend of a friend and one of the guys from the micronots (i self divine, are you reading this lori?). i felt popular. also, proud of myself for not bringing anyone home. i decided my new drink is going to be whiskey on the rocks, probably jameson. yum. happy saturday.

Friday, December 17, 2004

last time

my family all lives in different cities... my mom lives in plainview, my dad in wabasha, my sister in milwaukee, my brother in san fransisco and my other brother in tracy, california. last year at this time my mom met this guy, steve, in june her and steve will get married. she will move from our old house to steve's rambler in rochester. she won't have to worry about money any more, when they live together in his home. this year is the first year my dad isn't invited over for chrismas celebration. neither of my brother's are coming home this year. it will be my mom, steve, my little sister (kelsey) and me. this will be the last time celebrating the holidays in my old house and my last time celebrating in plainview.
i don't even care too much about the holidays. i feel like it tends to just be a lot of money spent. i love when people come home to visit though, it's great fun when my friend jared comes back into town. he's a great listener, especially about boy problems... he's great to drink with too.. especially chimay... but more on that another day...

Thursday, December 16, 2004

first time

this is my first time writing anything for a blog. it was sort of a random decision to do this and it's sort of painful... i'm probably a little drunk... it will be something that i will shamefully admit to my friends this weekend, after a few gin and tonics at the red dragon. hopefully they will be supportive of my choice to do this at the age of 24, hopefully they won't judge me or look down on me. or i might decide that i'm brilliant and advertise to anyone who might find me interesting because i will have posted my first entry on my own blog. maybe... boys will like me more now that i'm a blogger... maybe... i will start a tuesday night bloggers club, a group of us could get together, drink bloody marys and talk about blogging, our first time blogging, the fears, the shame and the beauty of the typeface.