Monday, February 21, 2005

a quick drive full of thought

tonight i was driving to a free meal site over by loring park to check it out and do some outreach. the route i chose to go brought me by an ex-boyfriend's old apartment and i was shocked how quickly those memories came flooding back. i was sad thinking about my last night there (how awful it was) and the many fun nights. it doesn't matter how right you know it is, it still hurts when love is impossible.
after thinking about this hurt, i ended up at st. marks. looking into the faces of people who are truly struggling, i didn't feel so bad for myself anymore.

Monday, February 14, 2005

valentine

i like the word valentine. almost like it should be the name of a mediocre country music singer. the word itself, away from it's weight in our culture, is really beautiful. it rolls off of my tongue tonight and i like it.
it was a strange night. i met up with some friends for a quick beer after a long day between my two jobs. i arrived home at just about midnight as february 14th came to an end. just as i was about to shut off my car, the d.j. on the radio announced the next song, wolf among wolves by bonnie prince billy. i'd never heard this song by my favorite musician, so i stayed in the car, lit up a cigarette to listen. the song's repeating line is "why can't i be loved as what i am? a wolf among wolves and not as a man among men." he also sings about some sort of unrequited love... i get sort of melancholy for a minute.
i'm not sad this valentine's day, things like that don't really get me sad anymore, i've realized how constantly changing love is shaping, floating, sliding, grasping and falling. to think that it could be held onto, still and stagnating is more depressing, smothering. to think that i could just follow it's movement and live with it, is more promising to me.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

something to write about

saturday night i meet up with some old friends, nick and benji. nick makes reference to my blog and said he's been reading it religiously, he says that maybe after tonight i'll have something to write about. we are joined by other friends, drinking, talking and i tell nick that i want a boyfriend. nick jokes, other then the sex, they are just a pain in the ass. we laugh, but i know he's lying.
four hours later i'm sitting in my new car, with another friend, parked on a side street in south minneapolis. we are both a little drunk. we recline the seats and stare up through the sunroof. we start talking silly, sharing a cigarette. we blow raspberries on each other until we start kissing. then we have to stop. we talk more, he pulls me next to him. i lay against his body, i feel warm. he talks about her. the shifter digs into my thigh. we kiss again. then we have to stop. i feel taboo. i feel young. doing something forbidden, hidden away, sneaky, in a car.

the morning is getting closer, we go back to my apartment. he sleeps on my couch, it feels lonely, going to sleep. i feel far away, from everyone.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

birthday wishlist

okay, i'm not very superficial most of the time, (at least about possessions) however, i've been thinking about my birthday coming up in less than two months and there are some things i've realized i need to live a full and complete life:

1. a new pair of jeans (size depends on store, see me for details)
2. a new pair of dansko clogs (black size 8, with backs)
3. an ipod
4. a digital camera
5. gift certificates to the red dragon, cc club and chatterbox

for now that covers it
later.

d.c. is an amazing city! stay tuned for pictures!

Friday, February 04, 2005

sad music and cheap beer

it's a slow moving friday night and as i sit down to write this i'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts. i'm indulging in my pleasure of sad music and cheap beer. one without the other just isn't as good. i'm missing having someone to sleep next to me, a body heavy and warm, touch. it's a basic need for most of us, i know it is for me anyway.
cheers, from a girl on her way to washington d.c..


dream

i had a creepy dream last night that i went to an eastern medicine specialist for menstrual cramps and she kept trying to pierce my clitoris with this big long needle. she said that would make my cramps go away. i kept telling her all these reasons as to why that wasn't a good idea. but she would just say, "no actually that's okay". then i kinda halfway woke up and i didn't dream that anymore.