bigger the laugh, bigger the belly

ghostbusters

2006-03-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

it looks really quiet outside. minneapolis was just blanketed in a heavy coat of snow last night. i think a shock to everyone as we come to the end of such a mild winter. it makes everyone slow down on normally hurried mondays. that's a nice change especially after such a great weekend.

we went to duluth for my dad's wedding and stayed in the most beautiful bed and breakfast, drank jameson, kelsey, paul and myself and relaxed in the whirlpool as we listened to truth maze. my guess is, he's never been played on that c.d. player.

next day we did a lot of driving around duluth and went out to "the point". this beautiful spot that kind of looks like the end of the world. especially with the cold and silence. (pictures later tonight, probably) went to a local kind of bar and drank one dollar beers. drove back to minneapolis and made some delicious miso-veggie soup. soon to be posted on vegweb.org! as it's paul & my own creation. sunday night we watched ghostbusters and most of ghostbusters 2. crawled into bed at a reasonable hour and woke up to a different, snow covered, minneapolis.

blaisdell

2006-03-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

i've been working out like crazy lately. i love sweating. i feel cleaner when i sweat. hmmm... i also love going to the blaisdell ymca because there is a lot of diversity. i like working out with people from all over and all age ranges. it's sort of low budget, but representative of the community where it's located. i guess, that's pretty real of most y's though. i just love living in the city.

weekend

2006-02-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

spent time this weekend, with boyfriend, going to plainview and rochester. had delicious vegetarian dinner with the jeresek family on the farm, yum. then went to rochester. stopped by kathy's pub, smokey bars a bummer. got up super early on saturday after sleeping on uncomfortable bed. enjoyed lots of eating and drinking and cheesey relationshipy stuff not allowed to do at home for fear of annoying friends. wait, we probably already do that.

update

2006-02-28T16:24:00.001-08:00

in the vacation needed post, i mentioned the leadership curriculum being named "men and women of purpose" and how i might need to debate that. well, it was later titled "people of purpose", without any suggestion from me.

2006-02-28T16:20:00.000-08:00

jared and i have been playing phone tag for about 75 percent of our friendship. ha. one of the better things about this upcoming trip to san francisco is getting to see him and his girlfriend. i plan to eat lots of vegan food and kick it save-the-earth style. dude kicks ass.

trading my car in for a bicycle

2006-02-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

driving boyfriend's car to the auto shop to talk to them about my car and boyfriend's car dies. unreliable. makes me want to crawl back into bed on this beautiful sunny day.

vacation needed!

2006-01-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

- "leadership" curriculum. soon to be renamed "women and men with a purpose." i might need to debate this name with the students so as not to alienate transgender individuals.

- spent about two hours of my day yesterday tracking down students who offended the "leadership" group and had to write letters of apology. later, when i walked by they did that high school snickering thing. my blood started to boil.

- they put a national guard recruitment center at people serving people.

- went on a (very messy) home visit yesterday, started to sit down on the couch, the mom said, "DON'T SIT THERE! my son slept there last night and i haven't washed the cushions yet."

- it's cold outside.

-i need time to update my blog, freeze tofu, clean out my closet, tap dance, study up on flower essence and the benefits of coconut oil, stretch, find all of my pens, fix my sewing machine, organize my embroidery thread and have lots of sex.

t-day with p

2005-11-22T15:17:00.000-08:00

tentative menu plan for thursday: thankyou-to-indegenous-people-for letting-us-live-here-day!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thanksgiving

french toast & fried egg
juice
tea
coffee

salmon: http://www.coastangler.com/fishing/baked_salmon.shtml
asparagus
biscuits?: http://www.hugs.org/Biscuits.shtml

dessert: tba

snacks: tba

tempura vegetables with wasabi nayonnaise
vietnamese salad?

shopping list (tentative):
garlic
lemons
small milk (for french toast)
salmon
asparagus
wasabi paste
lime (1)
soda water (1)
corn flour (hopefully we can buy in bulk at wedge, as we only need 1/4 cup)
zuchini
mushrooms
other various veggies
possible shrimps/ crab

just for fun:http://vegweb.com/recipes/quick/7881.shtml

movies (lord of the rings?) (some sort of t.v. series?)

wine
gin
time for making out and various indoor activities.

minnesota

2005-11-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

last night i went to see the movie the green bus vs. the white house. it was about the wellstone/ coleman campaign in 2002. this movie reminded me of how devastating it was to lose such a great leader and how proud i am of minnesota. it was part of the city pages documentary film festival.

kelsey is family.

2005-11-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

saturday night we celebrated halloween and amelia's birthday. amelia, julie, jared, paul and myself all went to see bss at first avenue. getting there was quite the ordeal, with lots of preparation for the holiday night ahead, and then a decent show. some guy in front of me was shaking he was so excited. from behind him it looked like he was masturbating over the crowd. gross.

anyway, then a couple of dance parties. i got yelled at while trying to pee at the second one. "hurry up bitch". that was kind of lame, but whatever. the first party was in the basement of this apartment complex. there was a hidden, off limits keg. lots of dancing and great music. kelsey and paul had a dance-off. i felt quite torn but, kelsey is family.

willie nelson sings it quite nicely

2005-10-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide.

So we've been told, and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on a morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.

What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing,
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

--All of us, under its spell.
We know that it's probably Magic

Have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound, that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.

I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm s'posed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

i have learned to speak cat pt. 3

2005-10-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

i couldn't sleep. my bed feels empty and silent. i've gotten used to paul, sleeping diagonal, gotten used to the warmth and i was awake at five in the morning, wide awake. betty sits at the foot of my bed. she's been there all night, happy to get her spot back, the spot she's had for most of her short life, sacrificed over the last 8 months for my relationship. she faces my room, on lookout.

i decide to do stuff on the internet or watch t.v.. i can't just sit here anymore. it's too quiet. i get out of bed and then get back in quickly, my legs can't handle the cold air. hmmm.. quiet. don't want to turn on t.v., too loud. too abrasive right now. i lay under four layers of covers, my hands crossed on my belly. i start to stress about everything that i stress about. all of it. my brain goes from one thought to the next because i have enough self control to not let myself linger on one particular stress.

betty starts to get anxious because i'm anxious. she stretches, yawns, walks over and sits on my chest. she looks at me. i give her a little pet then push her off, there is no way i will fall asleep with her loud, fat purs right by my head.

she sniffs around the room and i snap at her, for keeping me up. she knows what she's doing. she finally leaves my room. i start to drift back asleep.

flip, flip, flip, flip.

sally, pawing a magazine.

i wake up knowing right away what it is. "psssssst, sally" i saw in the mean voice. she looks up at me. "come here" i say and i snap a bunch of times. she walks over to the end of my bed, looks up at me. finally she jumps up onto the bed. she crawls under the blankets and curls up next to me.

i look at my clock, about an hour before i wanted to wake up. i reset my alarm clock and try for sleep again.

bjm is the aod

2005-10-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

paul and i watched being john malkovich on saturday night. it's a pretty interesting and unusual movie. the best part is that cameron diaz's hair is a frizz bomb. you don't see enough leading ladies with frizz bomb hair. however, her husband lusts for the woman with straight, shiny, perfectly frizz-free brown hair.

bummer.

http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1800350465&cf=pg&photoid=537008&intl=us

anyway, i thought of this just a bit ago when i went to the bathroom and encountered my own frizz bomb. but, it's something i should be used to by now after 25 1/2 years.

top 10

2005-10-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

10. benji's drunk, 30th birthday top 10.

9. utilizing itunes for organizing music.

8. shortly after discovering itunes wonderful paul surprises me with random gift of iPod shuffle!

7. two weeks after receiving ipod shuffle commit ipod shuffle manslaughter when ipod hid inside hooded sweatshirt on laundry day. :-(

6. made wonderful dinner for kelsey, julie and paul in memory of iPod. bbq mock duck, hot & spicy greens and brown rice. yum.

5. kelsey now lives 9 blocks away. would walk to her house listening to ipod shuffle.

4. attended minnesota coalition for the homeless two day conference in alexandria, mn. belittles importance of ipod manslaughter. http://www.mnhomelesscoalition.org/

3. beautiful evening walks around south minneapolis with amelia, back in minneapolis from czech republic.

2. getting ready for kick ass halloween. looking for costume ideas. suggestions appreciated.

1. kite flying in grand marais on lake superior a few weeks ago. gorgeous, really. super happy day with julie and paul. yea!

2005-09-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

i've been going through my music the last few days. it's amazing how when i hear a certain song or even just look at a certain c.d., i have a quick flash of a memory of a time or a person. like my shoes getting wet in the damp grass, making out with a slobbery drunk guy, driving my red honda, getting up at 5:30 am to work at the coffee shop, walking into my first apartment in minneapolis or dancing on new years eve.

thanks to everyone who has contributed to my music collection over the years.

2005-09-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

great weekend.

made out in the rain and it was hot.
inspired to do my own puppet show.
got lots of new music from friend.
bonded with sister.
dressed up, wore high heels even.
drank too much.
slept in past ten.
said good-bye to some friends.
like sushi because each bite is like an exciting explosion in my mouth.

ride on the greenway

2005-09-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

sally and betty are posed, ready to fight. tails swinging, shoulders hunched, ready, on the edge.

in any case, tonight. a beautiful night. i ride across town to the seward neighborhood, enjoying one of the best rides i've had all summer. the sun is setting behind me and the air is fresh and cool as i pass through the soo line gardens i get the deepest breath of green air i've ever had in my life. i ride up to tracy's bar to meet alissa just on time. i'm happy i've timed my errand and ride just right!

it's so wonderful to chat with an old friend, just like it has been to have amelia back around again. t hese women support me, remind me and respect me. alissa makes me laugh and almost cry and i feel i do the same to her. we hug, promising to call each other when we get home. i feel better about the ride knowing somebody is looking out for me.

instantly this ride is different. as i ride in darkness in between warehouses buildings and open fields onto the greenway i am instantly on edge. i ride so fast. my breath heavy but it feels good. like the first time i ever ran a mile. i can feel it deep into my body, not like when i smoked, not painful, just real, oxygen high. i feel amazing by the time i can't ride soooo fast anymore and i hop off to walk my bike half way up the off ramp. i get home, crash on the porch to call alissa to tell her i've made it home.

at some point on this ride, i felt, fuck you all. fuck it all. fuck it that i have to feel scared. fuck it that alissa's message to me says, "i haven't been raped an pillaged on my way home" while i'm happy with the challenge that the super fast ride has presented me with, i never want to feel on edge again, but i am so often, we all are. protective, i guess. life skill, i guess. bullshit to be afraid in your own neighborhood. to be afraid around people you know. whatever. fuck it.

i have learned to speak cat pt. 2

2005-09-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

betty sits on my chest as i lay on my bed. we hear sally in the closet. we both get up to check it out. i open the door for sally. she walks out and gives me soft, "meow".

"hello." i say.

betty and sally regard each other as they move into opposite corners of the room.

i lay back down, pick up my book.

slight thumping. i think it might be a roommate knocking or something. no. tails slapping the floor. sally and betty are staring at each other. i think of bitchy girls at the bridge, the light whispers and quiet moments before a fight would break out.

seconds later they are in the middle of the room, rolling across the floor, playful, kind of incestuous.

i sigh. time for bed.

8-19-05

2005-08-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

i read this today:

"Always remember that optimists are liars."

bla bla bla

2005-08-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

conversation at front desk at work around buying bootleg movies from a barbershop:

"bla bla bla adult movies bla bla bla"

my ears perk up.

"adult movies?"

"i don't need any adult movies, i got my own moves and i know what i'm doing."

this from heavy, older liberian woman. smacks lips.

chocolate cake

2005-08-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

there is this really ugly painting of the ocean outside my office. the waves are green and crashing up against some rocks that are huge globs of paint on the canvas. it looks like i could pull the paint off. i sit and gaze off at it, mildly stressed, find myself starting to clench my jaw a bit. i'm reminded of this time i made a model of a native american village for a minnesota history project in sixth grade. it was paper mache and i painted the hills brown, it looked like a giant chocolate cake with a few little teepees scattered in the valley.

projectile style

2005-08-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

i got drunk at the red dragon this weekend for alissa's birthday party. the night was true red dragon, asshole bouncer, friendly waitress and bitchy people at the other tables. at least nobody vomited on us like last time (projectile style). alissa pulls together a great crowd of people. then paul and i road our bikes fast around lake of the isles, going the wrong way on the bumpy path. we found a moonlit spot to make out at until i complained because i had banged up my knee so we had to go home. damn, i always have to go and ruin the romance.

home

2005-08-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

my new house kicks ass.

slowly

2005-07-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

i really shouldn't be blogging while i'm at work, but i know everyone is guilty of this kind of thing at one time or another. my boyfriend is getting paid to boat on lake minnetonka on this beautiful day and hopefully he's drinking free summit. so, by his example i can justify blogging on the clock. ha.
moving tomorrow. can barely remember how things were when i moved into my place a year ago. i've moved around a lot over the last 7 years or so, it's kind of nice, it marks time. i like to say, oh when i lived at the 807 house, or the house on dupont, or the treehouse, my place over on chicago (two places on chicago now)... anyway, last year, i didn't think my life would be the way it is now. i kind of thought i'd be on my way to guatemala at this point. now, my sites are set to the north, but i do have c.d.'s to learn spanish in my car.
i'm glad i survived the year, the first half was crazy and difficult, then just as things started to mellow out, my year turned into something wonderful... i'm scared with these changes that wonderful might slip away... be careful, i tell myself, slowly...

while we still can, i guess...

2005-07-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

sweaty, hot and tired.

saw al gore speak about global warming.

anyway.

make everyday a dance party.

bye.

2005-07-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

argh. i want to smoke.

vacation log

2005-07-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

friday afternoon: basking in the sun on the small beach at lake nokomis. gin & tonics in fancy bottles and snack foods. discovered lifeguards there don't like fa-noodles.

friday evening: attended two outdoor gatherings, one porch, one backyard, both involving beer. julie & defined the term butt-rocker to ourselves.

saturday daytime: went to the farmers market with alissa. beautiful sunny day. bought lots of fresh food for sunday breakfast. love corn.

saturday evening: drove to fish lake in wisconsin to the fick family cabin. no lifeguards to yell at us about fa-noodles. almost died on a floaty trampoline. then stayed in the water. ate tasty pasta and sweet orange soda.

saturday night: arrived at zastera family cabin. drank home brew out of a keg-o-rator. the rest of the night is a bit blurry, lost at darts. fun time anyway. cuddled with boyfriend on the bottom of a bunk bed in creaky cabin spare room.

sunday day: hung over, power went out. enjoyed making makeshift breakfast with paul for everyone. went swimming in johnson lake, drifted in pontoon boat. quote from ditsy girl was: "i thought that bird had a really long white tail, then i realized it was just pooping."

sunday evening: ate not-dogs and watched excellent fireworks at connors lake from pontoon boat. drank too-much, was introduced to somebody as "bottle breaker's girlfriend."

monday day: enjoyed another delicious breakfast, more pontoon and hammock time. swam in johnson lake a second time. squirted people with fa-noodles. attempted to finish slingshot kinky crossword.

monday evening: returned to minneapolis for decidedly dangerous night time bike riding to stone arch bridge. talked to mayoral candidate while drinking g & t out of nalgene bottle. asked about condos. full of shit answer ensued. battled to get across stone arch bridge going against the masses. dodged fireworks at 10 second film festival. participated in cool virtual rally.

tuesday morning: woke up next to paul.

tuesday afternoon: basking in the sun at lake nokomis, big beach this time. sneaky drinks from beer. no attempts at fa-noodling. awesome pita sandwich. more swimming. annoying teenage girls. ate ice cream. met friends for beers and catch-up.

wednesday day: at work writing this. still in awesome vacation mode. life is rough.

nap time

2005-06-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

i hate waking up at a time other than morning and thinking it's morning. i feel detached and disconnected, i feel like i missed out on something.

zoo

2005-06-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

went to the zoo today for work.

line of questioning with a youth who happened to be a former zoo volunteer:

"what did you do as a volunteer?"

"stuff behind the scenes, like got food ready for the trainers to feed the animals. they said it was volunteer but then we got some money to keep us from getting money in other ways."

"so, how did that work?"

"it was part of a youth diversion program for trouble kids when i was in 4th grade."

"oh, so, did you get into trouble?"

"yeah"

"what was the point of it?"

"it was supposed to keep us from stealing and drug dealing and stuff."

"did it work?"

"no, not really."

"what would work?"

"nothing really, i just had to learn it for myself."

permeate

2005-06-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

when i was a kid i would make root beer floats by smashing all the ice cream super tight into the bottom of the glass so that the ice cream didn't really float it all. then i would pour the root beer over it and look at the three different layers, ice cream, rootbeer and foam. slowly, i would peel away layers of the ice cream with a spoon so that the root beer could permeate.

some south minneapolis story

2005-05-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

when i was a little kid i used to write and read a lot. i would read a whole bunch before i went to bed and sometimes i would write a story in my head before i went to bed. sometimes i would have to decide if i wanted to indulge in the book i was reading or if i wanted to go back to the story i was writing in my head. usually, the story would be short because after a little while i would just fall asleep... but, they were always pretty detailed and fascinating.
tonight, i think i'm going to write a story in my head. some south minneapolis story. hopefully it will be fascinating. hugs.

finish

2005-05-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

finish lots of dishes under the influence, try to make lots of noise while doing so. ha. bye.

health

2005-05-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

oh, b.t.w., my cold is finally gone. yea!

neighbors

2005-05-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

quick rant:
people should not knock on the doors of people living in apartments. (unexpected neighbors, that is) to tell me that i'm being too noisy. leave notes. my mom always taught me to "give them a note".
first of all, i was not being noisy. second of all, it's after 11 pm, scared the shit out of me. i'm annoyed and not happy to feel guilty for being "noisy" first complaint in ten months of living here. eeeek. new neighbor, what happened to the nice ladies in love that lived there before? they were cool. anywho, i can tell this lady will be anal as hell. i plan to have really loud sex in my living room at some point, just to piss her off. ha. or maybe that's the gin talking. fun anyway. bye.

yea!

2005-05-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

julie and i spend the night sending each other drunken e-mails. fun.

stuck.

2005-05-31T20:27:00.000-07:00

right now i'm struggling about what to do for the rest of my life. i want to set some goals, but i have no idea what those would even be at this point. i'm kind of overwhelmed, so much so that sometimes i find myself stuck and immobile... instead of doing anything about it, tonight, i am drinking a g&t and writing this. hmmm.. bye.

objective

2005-05-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

i think i am in the final stage of this awful cold/virus thing i've got going on. i've been sneezing every couple of minutes for like the last hour. sneezing is much better then what i've been feeling the last two days. anyway...
today rick and i spent much of the day talking about family reunification and how to do that within the context of the program we work for. it was exciting. he also taught me some techniques for remaining objective when working with anybody. objective so as not to be self serving or projecting. rick is sort of an adlerian guru. not sure if i spelled that right. but, i learned a lot about the work that we are trying to do and my role in that. it was a fun and mentally stimulating day. bye.

withdrawl

2005-05-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

day four, absolutely NO cigarettes. yea!

conversation between two girls on nicotine withdrawl

2005-05-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

today i had a phone conversation with julie while at work. i took notes at my desk so it looked like i was working. ha.
here are the notes:

-oh my god, i wanted to like puke on him and run

-the guy with the tapered pants?

-normal? when you find out send a link or an e-mail.. archive it.

-he nerds out, i stop listening.

-on water now.

-ready to chew off my hand.

(lots and lots of giggling)

time warp

2005-05-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

i went with paul to his friend's cabin this weekend. i beat everyone at cricket (darts) and made great cookies. i also spilled a beer all over the floor (big surprise) and quit smoking. yea!
sunday night we went to lake nokomis for a picnic (at sunset- big time cheese factor). i think we were in some sort of a time warp, as we got two sundays.

2005-05-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

i went home yesterday, maybe for the last time. by the end of this month my home will be owned by someone else. i walked in and saw my mom, within minutes we were both crying. probably for different reasons.
pictures along the stairway, gone. my bedroom, empty but a bed and some boxes. my mom sleeps in there now, her bed is gone. everything gone. i slept on the t.v. room couch. i worked the garage sale as people came and salvaged years of furniture, books, dishes and other odds and ends.
our family feels dismantled. spread out, no real connections as a whole working unit. all of us isolated in our worlds full of work, school and lovers. no attachment to a home base.
my friend came by at the end, she brought her beautiful 3 month old daughter. a new life in a time of change. for sure a ray of sunlight in an otherwise dreary day.
sigh.

05-05-05

2005-05-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

eagerly, i sent out a happy cinco de mayo e-mail to all of my friends and family this morning. responses thus far:

"i want a margarita"

"can you call me tonight. mom."

"margaritas as nightcaps later?"

"happy ascension day!"

bubbles

2005-05-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

one time in portland julie and i had our palms read by this woman on the street. she told me i would have two children... since i feel years away from having babies, i'm wondering if my two children, she predicted, are sally & betty, my cats. they are kind of like children, they get really excited about bath time. tonight, they perched on the edge of the tub as i tried to put bubbles on their noses... sally climbed up on the edge and almost fell in. then when i got out of the tub, i realized that i left my towel in my bedroom and that my blinds were open in my bedroom. i pondered this for a minute and ran into my room, sliding across the floor, grasping for a towel. i threw myself on my bed and laid there for a few moments, feeling my heart beat through my warm body.
bath time is always a good time at my house.

pork

2005-04-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

quote from paula (co-worker), "it seems artists need to creat their own tragedy... so she was living in transitional housing next to a pork plant and she would hear the pigs getting killed at night."

cigarette junkie

2005-04-28T08:22:00.000-07:00

sitting at the front desk at work this morning, i look through the front doors and see some old dude picking cigarette butts out of our ashtray. that's hot.

crap

2005-04-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

this weather sucks frizzy ass on my hair.
bye.

car ride

2005-04-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

flow of thoughts, in the car:
my throat kinda hurts, i can't wait for summer, healthy & sun, swimming, swimsuits! my pale legs, freckles, pale skin.

amirithini & i, in the car, after a meeting:
amirithini, "i think she was a.d.d. or something."
me, "i think she was either on something or coming off of something."
amirithini, "hmmm... maybe like her brain was fried or something?"
me, "yea, her brain was fried."

amirithini & i, in the car, later:
me, "oh, dude, that guy walking is so & so's ex-boyfriend."
amirithini, "dude, flip a u-e."
i turn, we drive by, i look away, she looks out through the rear view mirror.
she looks, "so that's him..."
i drive another block.
we burst out laughing.
me, "i can't believe i just did that!"
amirithini, "i can't believe i just asked you to do that!"
me, "i feel like we're in high school."
amirithini, "yea, dude."

i have learned to speak cat.

2005-04-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

my conversation with sally-pants this morning:
(she sits in the bathroom sink, watching me try to finagle my hair into some sort of puffy- frizzy- do)
"i look like shit today." i say.
"mew, meow, mrrrrrr" sally says.
"because you wake me up so early, every morning."
"mrrrrrrrrr, mew, mew"
"whatever."

go ahead, call me the crazy cat lady, just not to my face, please.

notes

2005-04-20T16:43:00.000-07:00

my notes during streetworks meeting:
-shelter (to go unnamed) has scabies- for one month-
-downtown shootings- gang activity- summer heat- 14 & 15 year olds- shots in air-
-needle exchange- dealer busts- bad heroin- abscesses-
-p. offstreets- 60-70 youth
-hyp open male or transgender bed-
-any assistance- 30% income
-unlawful detainer on record
(m.a. insurance) (financial supports)
family reunif-
-live with aunt- greyhound
-internship
-cuts to mn care-- doesn't cover mental health services- few single adults-

protect

2005-04-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

on a walk back from lunch today, ben stole my thunder.

i drive home from uptown, spaced off, thinking, worrying too much. i suddenly realize nothing looks like it should, nothing looks familiar as i drive down the street i drive almost every day. everything felt bright and surreal today. i get into my apartment and my world feels very quiet and lonely.

this time of my life has been the best it's ever been. things mostly keep getting better and better. lately though, i feel like i'm slipping back into my old low-self esteem. i'm searching for that confidence, that patience that good things will come.

in my quiet bedroom, i call jared. he centers me.

i wish i had patience.
i wish i knew when to keep my mouth shut.
i wish my emotions didn't spill out of me.
i wish the world knew how to treat women with respect.
i wish the people i'm close to didn't get hurt for senseless reasons.
i wish i could protect everyone, including myself.

proms and thunderstorms

2005-04-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

spring is fabulous for thunderstorms.
i'm excited about the summer. jared and brian will both be returning to minnesota for brief periods of time. to think that we could all be together again in the same city! life will be comfortable for awhile. safety net.
tonight i get to wear paisley. i feel like i'm going to the prom. but, prom sucked, until the after party. we went to this place we called "the land" and drank beer around a fire. i met this older guy who everybody called "fro". i never called him that. he played the song, "the promise" by tracy chapman on his guitar for me. i was in crush.

short.

2005-04-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

to quote my dear co-worker, samantha as she said, "this will be interesting to read about on your blog" and i said, "well, i haven't written anything on there in a long time."

there is so much.

a quick drive full of thought

2005-02-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

tonight i was driving to a free meal site over by loring park to check it out and do some outreach. the route i chose to go brought me by an ex-boyfriend's old apartment and i was shocked how quickly those memories came flooding back. i was sad thinking about my last night there (how awful it was) and the many fun nights. it doesn't matter how right you know it is, it still hurts when love is impossible.
after thinking about this hurt, i ended up at st. marks. looking into the faces of people who are truly struggling, i didn't feel so bad for myself anymore.

valentine

2005-02-14T22:39:00.000-08:00

i like the word valentine. almost like it should be the name of a mediocre country music singer. the word itself, away from it's weight in our culture, is really beautiful. it rolls off of my tongue tonight and i like it.
it was a strange night. i met up with some friends for a quick beer after a long day between my two jobs. i arrived home at just about midnight as february 14th came to an end. just as i was about to shut off my car, the d.j. on the radio announced the next song, wolf among wolves by bonnie prince billy. i'd never heard this song by my favorite musician, so i stayed in the car, lit up a cigarette to listen. the song's repeating line is "why can't i be loved as what i am? a wolf among wolves and not as a man among men." he also sings about some sort of unrequited love... i get sort of melancholy for a minute.
i'm not sad this valentine's day, things like that don't really get me sad anymore, i've realized how constantly changing love is shaping, floating, sliding, grasping and falling. to think that it could be held onto, still and stagnating is more depressing, smothering. to think that i could just follow it's movement and live with it, is more promising to me.

something to write about

2005-02-13T15:21:00.000-08:00

saturday night i meet up with some old friends, nick and benji. nick makes reference to my blog and said he's been reading it religiously, he says that maybe after tonight i'll have something to write about. we are joined by other friends, drinking, talking and i tell nick that i want a boyfriend. nick jokes, other then the sex, they are just a pain in the ass. we laugh, but i know he's lying.
four hours later i'm sitting in my new car, with another friend, parked on a side street in south minneapolis. we are both a little drunk. we recline the seats and stare up through the sunroof. we start talking silly, sharing a cigarette. we blow raspberries on each other until we start kissing. then we have to stop. we talk more, he pulls me next to him. i lay against his body, i feel warm. he talks about her. the shifter digs into my thigh. we kiss again. then we have to stop. i feel taboo. i feel young. doing something forbidden, hidden away, sneaky, in a car.
the morning is getting closer, we go back to my apartment. he sleeps on my couch, it feels lonely, going to sleep. i feel far away, from everyone.

birthday wishlist

2005-02-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

okay, i'm not very superficial most of the time, (at least about possessions) however, i've been thinking about my birthday coming up in less than two months and there are some things i've realized i need to live a full and complete life:

1. a new pair of jeans (size depends on store, see me for details)
2. a new pair of dansko clogs (black size 8, with backs)
3. an ipod
4. a digital camera
5. gift certificates to the red dragon, cc club and chatterbox

for now that covers it
later.

2005-02-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

d.c. is an amazing city! stay tuned for pictures!

sad music and cheap beer

2005-02-04T20:42:00.000-08:00

it's a slow moving friday night and as i sit down to write this i'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts. i'm indulging in my pleasure of sad music and cheap beer. one without the other just isn't as good. i'm missing having someone to sleep next to me, a body heavy and warm, touch. it's a basic need for most of us, i know it is for me anyway.
cheers, from a girl on her way to washington d.c..

dream

2005-02-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

i had a creepy dream last night that i went to an eastern medicine specialist for menstrual cramps and she kept trying to pierce my clitoris with this big long needle. she said that would make my cramps go away. i kept telling her all these reasons as to why that wasn't a good idea. but she would just say, "no actually that's okay". then i kinda halfway woke up and i didn't dream that anymore.

cattle

2005-01-31T19:30:00.000-08:00

last night i went on a tour of seven minneapolis shelters. we started at the salvation army's shelter safe bay. i think somewhere around 130 men sleeping on mats. then onto people serving people a shelter downtown mostly for families, ces 20 mats on the floor just for women and transgender individuals, our saviors 32 beds for men, 6 for women, simpson shelter, we watched the monday night lottery, a room full of men trying for beds at three different shelters, (49 men 23 beds tonight), st. stephens shelter and last harbour lights "secure waiting", no mats, just men in a room, cement floors, two church benches, full capacity at 125.
i learned the reason why some of these places are called secure waiting, there is a shelter zoning law that says that shelters can only be located at places of worship because the goverment can't tell faith based organizations that they can't help the poor. then the places that are called "secure waiting" usually can't offer meals, storage and they can't staff advocates to help people out of the situation that got them there in the first place.
i'm struck by the reality of the difference between youth serving shelters and adult shelters. the adult shelters are like warehouses, cattle barns, shove them all in, shove them all out.

Increasing Numbers. In 2003, estimates placed the total number of homeless and precariously housed persons (persons at imminent risk of losing housing) at 20,347 - a 36% increase over 1997.

-Wilder Research Center, Oct. 23, 2003

2005-01-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

at the red dragon about a month ago.

so begins another spring

2005-01-29T22:11:00.000-08:00

i want to live a slow life filled with embracing.
i want to believe i'm a good person.
i want to dress up.
i want to tell the truth.
i want to hold hands.
i want to follow through.
i want to bring someone home, to hold.
i want to believe that people are good.
i want to spill secrets.
i want to be tickled until i pee my pants.
i want to live a fast life filled with second chances.
-oleander-

budget

2005-01-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

my work budget for the YEAR:
$400 dollars in food vouchers
12 bus cards

i heard this song on the radio today, i forgot how much i love it.

2005-01-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

What a pretty live you have

Oh boy, it's a pretty life

And I would need a map

Just so I could navigate the back yard



Home is very ordinary

I know I was born to lead a double life



And when I find it, I know I'll make sense of me



I want to be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious

I would have it all if I'd only had this much

No need for Lucifer to fall if he'd learn to keep his mouth shut

I would be involved with you



I know the girls

That live inside your world

Just sitting next to a mortal makes their skin crawl



lyrics from Perfect World

by Liz Phair

blood shot

2005-01-27T10:34:00.000-08:00

she sits across from me asking me for food vouchers, begging, almost. i feel disgusted with myself that she is begging me. we've given her too much already, she needs to use the food shelf. she has too much perfume on to cover some other odor, her eyes are puffy and bloodshot. she's been using and selling her self. she's about to cry, and she's sick and she's hungry. i have to go, the meeting i'm supposed to be in started ten minutes before, i don't have enough time to say yes or no, i shove her off onto another worker. this wakes me up at 2:30 in the morning.

we had a time

2005-01-23T20:57:00.000-08:00

being a street outreach worker is a good job for me. because of many reasons, but i love walking and i love this city. saturday night julie and i walked from her place on lyndale to a party on hennepin. we walked on the pretty snow covered minneapolis streets, crunch, crunch crunch, drinking beers, rosey cheeks, cold, quiet, clean air.... one of those times that i want to capture and keep in my bag full of times, so i can pull it out whenever i need it.

link

2005-01-20T21:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.accessworks.org/

exchange

2005-01-20T21:34:00.000-08:00

alissa came over tonight... i don't know if i've explained how amazing she is, but she works at the only syringe exchange in minneapolis. a few months ago they lost a huge chunk of funding and are currently operating on three staff, when they once had twelve!
anyway, alissa also started a hepatitis clinic at the syringe exchange and is being asked to speak about it at a national conference. she is truly passionate and inspirational.... i'm sure she will inspire others all across the country, because she inspires me nearly daily.
we were talking and finally, i figured it out, for those who know me, you've all listened to me rant about upper class people and oppression of the working class and poor people... i realized i'm scared that the people in my life will become yuppies. yup. that's what it comes down to. all those nights when i talk shit about the upper class... what it comes down to, i'm terrified of a take over of suvs, overpriced fru-fru coffee drinks and maybe even (eeeekkk!!!) smooth jazz by my dear friends. but, it's probably going to happen and i will deal and love them all just the same.

feel good about yourself, contribute!

2005-01-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

Diaspora Flow presents a Benefit Show for The Sri Lanka Relief Fund
WHEN: Sunday, January 23rd 7 pm, reception following show
WHERE: Coffman Memorial Union Theater at the University of Minnesota
300 Washington Ave. S.E. Minneapolis, MN 55455
for directions go to www.coffman.umn.edu/directions.php
or call 612-624-INFO
WHO: South Asian Artists from Canada, Minnesota, and LA
COST: Sliding scale from $10 to as much as you want to give
Over 47,000 dead and one million homeless in Sri Lanka. In a few hours, the tsunamis destroyed what took lifetimes to create. Help us rebuild.Diaspora Flow, a Sri Lankan American 501(c)3 nonprofit arts organization, will hold a benefit show with local and national artists for The Sri Lanka Relief Fund. All proceeds will go directly towards basic needs and rebuilding efforts.
For detailed information on the show, projects funded, as well as the organization, please check out www.diasporaflow.org
We have an amazing group of artists for the show! Their beautiful work shows the necessity of transforming pain and suffering into a language that communicates hope and rebirth of the spirit. Not only do you get tos ee some amazing performances and visual art, you're supporting socially responsible giving in Sri Lanka!!!!

freeze

2005-01-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

so, if a person becomes homeless when they are say 12 years old. and continue to be homeless until they are 22, they could cognitively freeze in a 12 year old brain for that entire time until their basic needs are secure.

tnsc

2005-01-18T21:24:00.000-08:00

tuesday night sex club. julie, ben and myself, also formerly amelia. i got home, kind of drunk. done talking about sex that other people are having.
my mom called. she wanted to see how i was doing. she talked about selling the house, i started to cry during our conversation and i made myself get off the phone instead of trying to get her to nurture me. i cried because i was drunk. i cried because when you lose where you come from, you lose part of yourself.
-oleander-

post-party-depression

2005-01-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

when i used to live with roommates and we would throw crazy (or completely not crazy) parties, julie and i would refer to having post-party-depression the next day, when all the hype and anticipation is over and it's just back to cleaning up icky beer bottles, wiping up some mysterious sticky substance that ended up on the bedroom floor and maybe making a few phone calls to apologize for some outlandish behavior. after that's all said and done, it's back to normal life again. back to work, back to shit like getting that time card in, paying the phone bill, clearing out the smoker's cough... and that's where i'm at now.... post vacation depression, when there isn't the party to look forward to anymore.
hugs
-oleander-

criss-crossed

2005-01-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

georgia's braiding my hair as i sit here trying to write my blog, i feel like we are eight years old again, accept in georgia's own apartment, not some make shit house made out of couch cusions and sheets.
yesterday we went to central park, the met, the john lennon tribute in front of the dakota hotel, we criss-crossed the park, criss-crossed it and criss-crossed it again! then we went to this coffee shop to meet up with jason, had dinner at this thai place with jason and richel and then i met troy in long island city. we walked by the water and i got some great shots of the city at night, then we went to this awesome little bar called the long island city bar. i drank my first white russian with vanilla stoli (yum). peace.

2005-01-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

day 2

2005-01-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

so when i walked out of the airport yesterday, it was dark out! we had been so delayed in chicago, it was already evening when i got into new york (so not my plan). i'm pretty proud of myself, i found out how to take a bus and a subway to georgia's house it was so scary at night and not having any idea where i was going, i was asking all my neighbors and everybody was looking at me with my suitcase, my maps and directions. i should have just pulled out my camera and starting taking pictures of them!
so last night we went out in the west village (had awesome pizza... i'm so excited to be here i keep over using the words "awesome" "that rocks" "rad" that's hot") and met a bunch of georgia's friends. then we walked around for about an hour and then came back here and chilled.
today i'm going to the streetworks project for a tour, that should be exciting, me finding my way there should be exciting. it's pretty wet and rainy out right now, hopefully it will clear out before i head out.
then tonight i'm giong to a yoga class at the studio georgia manages then we are going out to dinner and then out for kareokee. should be a wild time. i told georgia if she gets ten drinks in me, i might sing "brand new key".
hugs!

sweet thing, i give you

2005-01-11T23:00:00.000-08:00

"winter comes and it snows
i can't marry you, you know
without children to grow
i can't marry you, you know

take a year in your hands
you can find another man
let your unloved parts get loved
i will be your man

places you should be afraid of
into the river we will wade up"

i hugged julie from behind, "julieeeeee-kiiiiiinnssss" i kind of slur as we hug and say good bye for the night. we just finished screaming in the middle of a still and quiet lyndale avenue. screaming at nothing. sometimes, it feels so good to scream, especially in the middle of a normally busy street in the middle of the night. the wet, clumpy snow falls on me, it falls like rain, in sheets, snowman snow, perfect, snowballs. joe says "you guys are so cute, you know how cute you guys are, right?" julie kind of floats away, "yea...." they disapear into the next bar and i walk to my car, the stillness and the purple, grey, poluted sky captures me with the leafless trees agianst it.

i'm reminded of being young at a slumber party, when the highlight was some girls sneaking off in the middle of the night to do cartwheels down broadway of our small town. i slept through that one.

"wake up and i'm fine,
with my dreaming still on my mind,
but it don't take long to see,
for the demons to come and visit me,
but i've got my problems,
sometimes love don't solve them
and i end each day, in a song...
i know i'm hard man,
to live with sometimes,
maybe it ain't in me to make you a happy wife of mine,
maybe you'll kill me,
honey i don't blame you,
if i was in your place,
maybe that's what i would do"

(every thing in quotations by will oldham/ palace brothers)

i need you to understand...

2005-01-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

i'm a middle child, one older brother or i guess sort of two older brothers (long story, for another entry) and one younger sister. apparently middle children feel the need to over-explain and recieve feedback from other people that they understand. THIS IS ME. to anybody who has ever had a conversation with me... think about the amount of times i have over-explained something and then said, "do you get what i'm saying?" or "do you know what i mean?" or "do you understand where i'm coming from?" etc. etc. i think that oldest child types tend to be the best at validating and youngest child types are better at distracting or something... not sure about that, my co-worker rick would know, he's smart like that.
i hate believing in "pop psychology" but, it can be so true. so true. bye.

spill

2005-01-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

it's saturday evening and i've had a day of neurotic feelings. i'm anxious about my trip to new york, money, love, friends, everything.... mostly i spill my emotions, i have a hard time containing... i guess it's a good thing most of the time i'm in a good mood.
i miss amelia.

highlight

2005-01-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

a highlight of my career... this evening i brought a youth i'm working with to a shelter for a tour and to get on the waiting list, while we were doing that, i ran into another youth i work with who is staying there. we were chatting and after awhile, she asked me, "so, are you getting him in here?" i said, "yeah." she just looked at me and she said, "your cool."
it's nice that she thinks i'm cool, but that's not the point. the point is, that it wasn't:

you got me a bus card, so your cool;

you got me a food voucher, so your cool;

you got me some cloths so your cool;

the point is, that it was:

you are helping someone else who's in a situation like mine, so your cool.

working hard

2005-01-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite books is called thinking class, it's about art and intelligence that is so often undermined when it comes from working class people, when not articulated perfectly, the art within crafts like refrigerator magnets and such... it also explores societies view on working class, blue collar people as being ignorant, stupid or simple because of a lack of formal education. it's been awhile since i read it, (i lent it to a guy i dated for about a minute and then i never saw him again) but, anyway, i was thinking about this book tonight after having dinner at my friend alissa's house. see... i stumbled across this book pretty randomly at book smart in uptown, i thought it looked kind of interesting, i had just graduated college, trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my life and in that search i was thinking a lot about where i come from, my families values, etc. i did then and still do feel out of place around intellectuals and quite honestly people who use big words to alienate.
when i met alissa we bonded quickly because of our similar backgrounds, coming from small towns, working class families and that familiar drive to leave, leave, leave... then struggling to fit in we found ourselves reclaiming that which makes us who are... and in this quest of reclaiming we each separately discovered this book.
i'm also reminded of this time when i sold some beaded bracelets i'd made at a local craft fair. i told this to a guy i knew, an artist, from college. he asked me if i "was still making my little bracelets" and i told him about how i'd made $30 dollars selling them. he told me that was cute that i could sell my little crafts.
hey, i made $30 dollars.... where i come from, we value that.

big hair guy

2005-01-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

jared was in town recently. we were new years buddies. i think it's best to find a buddy for those sort of nights. he told me about a detox diet that is simply cayenne pepper, lemon juice and maple syrup. spicy lemonade.
after the craziness of the last month, i decided it's time to get clean out my body and my mind. overdosed on drinking, junk food, stimulation, spending money, people, gifts, food, drinking, smoking, pictures, headaches, drinking, drinking. i'm taking it easy for awhile. my body needs some down time.
last night, i spent a night in, and i cleaned my apartment and listened to music. having time to really listen to music, without doing ten other things, is so great. i made a gift for my friends, who are going to thailand, cambodia and india (tomorrow morning). i made them patches of the eye of horus. the eye of horus is the egyptian symbol for protection and healing.

sally and betty

2005-01-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

i miss my cats.

2005-01-03T14:12:00.001-08:00

betty

2005-01-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

sally

2004-12-31T21:26:00.000-08:00

cheers!

2004-12-31T07:51:00.000-08:00

i resolve to quit smoking (for real).
i resolve to eat more vegetables.
i resolve to make regular doctor and dentist apointments.
i resolve to drink only on the weekends.
i resolve to not enter into any relationships with unavailable meanies.
i resolve to call my siblings once a week.
i resolve to call my parents more than just when i need something.
i resolve to make new friends.
i resolve to tell my old friends how much they mean to me, even when i'm sober.
i resolve to tell my family how great they all are, individually.
i resolve to stop eating sweets.
i resolve to do yoga.
i resolve to turn off the television.
i resolve to only eating whole grain bread, pasta and brown rice.
i resolve to drinking lots of water, every day.
i resolve to stop smoking weed, using illegal substances of any kind.
i resolve to not ever make a joke at another person's expense.
i resolve to stop talking shit.
i resolve to not make fun of another person's fasion taste.
i resolve to stop making that face, when it's so obvious, i don't aprove.
i resolve to be honest.
i resolve to be a heartbreaker.
i resolve to not confuse the distinction between actual attraction and alcohol.
i resolve to never make out with a guy dressed in a giant (home-made) penis costume.
i resolve to work hard.
i resolve to stay dedicated.
i resolve to be alone, sometimes.
i resolve to being with people, othertimes.
i resolve to show up at work on time.
i resolve to get regular oil changes.
i resolve to not spend my last twenty dollars at the bar.
i resolve to wear more skirts.
i resolve to get my cats back.

let's see how long this lasts... -heart- oleander

interrupted tribute to my friends

2004-12-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

last night was a good-bye party for my friend amelia, who is going to prague tomorrow morning. she will probably be in europe for at least a year. it's very overwhelming to think of such a close friend being gone for so long, of course, i'm sure she's overwhelmed at the thought of losing all of her friends for so long.
i think of this last year of my life and how things have changed. i wonder how much more will change in the year to come. i feel 2004 treated me pretty well, actually. definatley has ended wonderfully. although, i'm sad to see friends leave (another dear friend is traveling to thailand in a few days), i feel really lucky to know so many amazing people.
i moved to minneapolis when i was nineteen and i didn't have any idea i would connect with people so well or for such a long time. long enough to develop great friendships that have stood the tests of time, travel, change, stress and love.
and as i type this tribute to my friends, i was just interrupted by a call to come see more people in town for a minute. a hot, fun minute. hugs to all...

2004-12-27T18:29:00.001-08:00

this is julie blowing out the candles on the cake i made.

2004-12-27T18:07:00.000-08:00

on christmas, my friend, chris and i went to mortimers. his dad gave him a disposable camera from menards. chris had this idea to ask random people if they would pose for a picture with us and pretend like they know us. of course, being christmas and people were drinking, most were in good spirits about it. we ended up meeting a lot of great people! it was sort of like a high, a rush, to be that brave... the next night on the way to the red dragon we ran into this group of people a second time! they were all together, all in the same clothes still. probably having one of those weekends where you just hang out with the same people for hours and hours and hours. they posed for a second picture for us.

so you wanna be a superhero

2004-12-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

"my dreams are full of what's not real,
i'll fly away and save the world,
i'll make you proud someday,
i just won't be around to see your face.

my life is full of what's not here,
i'll go away and save myself,
i'll make you proud someday,
i just won't be around to see your face."

-carissa's wierd

(lyrics from a sad song that i've been listening to lately as i tend to like sad songs... i would have wrote the rest of the lyrics, but they are just too sad.)

put on the line

2004-12-22T20:28:00.000-08:00

today was a long day. for starters, i was hungover because i threw a really great suprise party for julie last night. she was truly suprised! i didn't think i could pull it over on her, but she showed up at my apartment ready for our usual tuesday night hang out and found a group of her friends with a cake singing happy birthday to her. a lot of people showed up to wish her happy 25th, she was very touched, i was happy to host for such a great friend. i am so fortunate to have her in my life, she is fun, honest, caring and an eternal optimist.
work was hard and long. so many of the youth i work with are getting pregnant. i can't even be happy for them anymore. a new life should be something of joy, my immediate reaction should not be, get an abortion, please, get an abortion.
after almost four years of doing this kind of work i am really reaching this point where i'm stressing over it.... maybe it's the holidays. there aren't enough beds for homeless people, it's freezing outside, i'm scared for them. it's overwhelming. i have referred so many young people to the same 16 bed shelter in the last two weeks. of course, they are always full. i'm frustrated and worried. i'm tired of looking around and seeing young person after young person with no place to go home.
the boundary that i've been good at setting until now is becoming blurred. it's this fine line between developing a great trusting, strong relationship with them and then really starting to care so much that i worry and can't sleep at night.
this woman that i worked with once told me that the most important thing to her in life is relationships, having good relationships with people and just really connecting with other humans. it makes so much sense to me, sometimes i'm amazed that it's really that simple and that complicated. i think that all relationships have that boundary too, that fine line between really trusting and caring but being really careful to know how much you should care, how much you can risk on this person, how much you can put on the line...

2004-12-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

swimmers in antartica

nobody lives in antartica

2004-12-20T21:52:00.001-08:00

i started to wonder if anybody actually lives in antartica. i found these pictures... i've become fascinated with survivors of cold climates.

2004-12-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

antartica

monday night lottery

2004-12-19T11:23:00.000-08:00

i went christmas shopping with my friend, julie, on saturday. we even got up early, coffee in hand and bustled to southdale mall. we were both super tired and giggly. it was a good time acually. considering i don't like shopping or crowded places.
i still don't feel like christmas is less than a week away... maybe it's the lack of snow. the most festive i've felt, this year, is one afternoon at work, i baked cookies with my co-worker for our christmas party, then i stayed home sick the day of our christmas party... i brought some of the youth presents at the shelter. they got some good presents... hooded sweatshirts and $25 to best buy. yea... that makes up for the fact that they are homeless... (sarcasm)
sometimes i'm struck by how sad that is, usually i'm pretty tough about it and it just seems so matter-of-fact, tell them the facts, help them work through the system, then forget. one time, somebody asked me if the people i worked with were "actually homeless"... yea, it's pretty hard to believe people under the age of 18 can be homeless, you would think SOMEBODY would take care of them, right?
tonight, at my part-time job at this shelter i told this 17 year old if he didn't get himself together by the time he turned 18, he could be competing against grown men for the opportunity to sleep indoors. 70 men for 30 beds on a once a week lottery on monday nights.

"Youth. Between 500 and 600 unaccompanied youth in Minnesota (persons 17 or younger) are without permanent shelter; over the course of one year, an estimated 10,000 to 12,000 Minnesota unaccompanied youth experience at least one episode of homelessness. 81% of homeless youth are enrolled in school. Nearly half (46%) have been physically or sexually mistreated." -Wilder Research Center
http://www.mnhomelesscoalition.org

last night

2004-12-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

last night, at the red dragon, i ran into the friend of this guy i used to date. he was standing at the jutebox, in the red dragon. he was playing johnny cash. he was unemployed from his steel worker job and just graduated from college (i think he's about 28 or so). his mom just showed up at his apartment, homeless from alaska. they hadn't talked for about three years. he didn't know what to do with her. he told me he hoped i was happy and he gave me his number so we could hang out sometime.
i also ran into a co-worker, this guy justin, another friend of a friend and one of the guys from the micronots (i self divine, are you reading this lori?). i felt popular. also, proud of myself for not bringing anyone home. i decided my new drink is going to be whiskey on the rocks, probably jameson. yum. happy saturday.

last time

2004-12-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

my family all lives in different cities... my mom lives in plainview, my dad in wabasha, my sister in milwaukee, my brother in san fransisco and my other brother in tracy, california. last year at this time my mom met this guy, steve, in june her and steve will get married. she will move from our old house to steve's rambler in rochester. she won't have to worry about money any more, when they live together in his home. this year is the first year my dad isn't invited over for chrismas celebration. neither of my brother's are coming home this year. it will be my mom, steve, my little sister (kelsey) and me. this will be the last time celebrating the holidays in my old house and my last time celebrating in plainview.
i don't even care too much about the holidays. i feel like it tends to just be a lot of money spent. i love when people come home to visit though, it's great fun when my friend jared comes back into town. he's a great listener, especially about boy problems... he's great to drink with too.. especially chimay... but more on that another day...

first time

2004-12-16T19:44:00.000-08:00

this is my first time writing anything for a blog. it was sort of a random decision to do this and it's sort of painful... i'm probably a little drunk... it will be something that i will shamefully admit to my friends this weekend, after a few gin and tonics at the red dragon. hopefully they will be supportive of my choice to do this at the age of 24, hopefully they won't judge me or look down on me. or i might decide that i'm brilliant and advertise to anyone who might find me interesting because i will have posted my first entry on my own blog. maybe... boys will like me more now that i'm a blogger... maybe... i will start a tuesday night bloggers club, a group of us could get together, drink bloody marys and talk about blogging, our first time blogging, the fears, the shame and the beauty of the typeface.